DAD JOKES

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?

A stick

Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel prize?

Because he was outstanding in his field

Isla, Seb and George, Godalming

What is Yoda's favourite dinosaur?

The Do-ceratops - there is no try!

Jack, Warfield

I don't want to brag, but I finished the jigsaw puzzle in a week

and it said 2 - 4 years on the box.

Mrs Munz, Godalming

What did the big tap say to the little tap?

You little squirt

What did the little tap say to the big tap?

You big drip

Why cant the skeleton go to the party?

He had no body to go with

Tilly, Elstead

On a scale of 1-10, how much do I like Harry Potter?

9 3/4

Emily, Elstead

If Mr Green lives in a green house and Mr Blue lives in a blue house and Mr red lives in a Red house, who lives in a white house? Donald Trump

Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?

No son, have you seen my dad glasses?

Why did the photographer quit her job?

She lost her focus

 

Why did the photo get arrested?

It was framed

The three unwritten rules in life: 1) 2) 3)

Erik, Ottawa, Canada

What do you call a blind dinosaur?

Do-you-think-he-saurus

What do you call a t-rex that talks and talks?

A dinoboor

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Nothing, it just waved

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his scrabble letters on the road. I asked him 'What's the word on the street?'.

A man walked into a bar

Ouch! It was an iron bar

Why did the duck cross the road?

To get to the idiot's house

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

The duck

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Wooden shoe

Wooden shoe who?

Wooden shoe like to hear another joke?

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Walter

Walter who?

Walter you doing, just open the door

What did one wall say to the other?

I'll meet you at the corner

Why does the ocean taste funny?

Because the sea weed

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

Between the two of us, something smells!

What did the nose say to the finger?

Stop picking on me

Why do you tell actors to 'break a leg'?

Because every play has a cast

Eva B, Surrey

What did one toilet say to the other toilet?

You look a bit flushed

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon?

Because she will "let it go"

What kind of award did the dentist receive?

A little plaque

What can you catch but not throw?

A cold

What has hands but can't clap?

A clock

What do you call a man with a spade?

Doug

When do doctors get angry?

When they run out of patients

What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?

Look! No hands!

What did the hat say to the scarf?

You hang around, and I’ll go on ahead

What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?

Matt

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.