CELEBRITY CHUCKLES

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was a thoughtful chicken.

Michael Spicer

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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. 
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Tommy Cooper

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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tim Vine

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Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

Dan Antolpolski

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A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here'.

Peter Kay

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What's Postman Pat called on his holiday?

Pat

Aisling Bea

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My Dad used to say 'fight fire with fire.' Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Harry Hill

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

Tommy Cooper

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The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Ronnie Barker

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I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Nick Helm

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I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

Eric Morecambe

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I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press.

Milton Jones

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Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: 'Oo, oo, aah.' The other replied:‘Put some cold in then'.

Harry Hill

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I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!'.

Jimmy Carr

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As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

Gary Delaney

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So I knocked on the door at this Bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'.  She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Tommy Cooper

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So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, ‘That’s a turtle disaster.'

Peter Kay

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A man walked into the doctor's. He said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'

Tommy Cooper

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