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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because it was a thoughtful chicken.

Michael Spicer

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. 
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Tommy Cooper

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Tim Vine

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

Dan Antolpolski

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says, ‘Sorry we don’t serve food in here'.

Peter Kay

What's Postman Pat called on his holiday?


Aisling Bea

My Dad used to say 'fight fire with fire.' Which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

Harry Hill

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any.

Tommy Cooper

The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

Ronnie Barker

I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Nick Helm

I always take my wife morning tea in my pyjamas. But is she grateful? No, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

Eric Morecambe

I used to think sticks and stones could break my bones but words could never hurt me – until I fell into a printing press.

Milton Jones

Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: 'Oo, oo, aah.' The other replied:‘Put some cold in then'.

Harry Hill

I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!'.

Jimmy Carr

As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.

Gary Delaney

So I knocked on the door at this Bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want', I said, 'I want to stay here'.  She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.

Tommy Cooper

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought, ‘That’s a turtle disaster.'

Peter Kay

A man walked into the doctor's. He said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places.' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more.'

Tommy Cooper

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